some days I am not sure who I am at all.. the more days go by, the less I feel connected to my body. When I look in the mirror all I see is a reflection of someone I don't know. Voxi is a heightened version of my true self.. I feel like we all have a version of ourself that we aspire to be in our daily lives but some do not have the motivation to become that person. Voxi has somewhat become my internet personality and real life aesthetic.. but how come when I wake up surrounded by old kpop cds, posters, and all things pink, do I feel so fake and sad.. like I am putting on a act or something. I don't know when things became this way but I wish it would go away.. I DO in fact like these things. I remember vividly feeling like this new era of my life was so refreshing and fun. but, now everyday is filled with brain fog and sadness.. when will I wake up.
do I love having four sites currently? yes of course. do I love my motivation being constantly zapped because of depression and burnout? HELL NO. I want to be the kind of person that can enjoy my interests without it being too much but I do in fact have autism. I noticed I am super sensitive to many things now.. more than before and I think part of it is to due with the fact that I am not masking 90% of the time now like I was when I was in school. my main problem is that even feelings like happiness can become overwhelming very quickly. the upside is that I really enjoy webmastering and learning about code! I want to learn even more but I always go through a cycle of being super motivated!! and taking on 100 projects at once.. and then the burnout hits and I can't get myself to do anything. maybe if I make out a schedule for my day then everything will feel more balanced.
Am I the only one that has social anxiety both online and irl..? I feel like my fear of other people has gone too far to the point where it makes doing anything that involves talking to people and/or people looking at me difficult. This new year, one of my goals is to get myself out more. Even if it's just riding around in the car and listening to music. I realized that yes, my social anxiety may never fully go away (I have had intense social phobia since childhood), but I do notice that being amongst other people more often helps me feel less terrified if did have to talk to someone (god forbid). I saw a youtube video of someone talking about the spotlight effect and how to overcome that feeling. I have yet to watch it because I am at a point in my life where a lot of things feel hopeless, but I think I will give it a listen.